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Dear Gay Best Friend,

Since reading your column, I’ve never laughed, cried, and shook my head so much! Thank you for keeping it real. Anyways, I have a situation.

I’ve been involved with my boyfriend for almost a year. We are expecting out first child together later on this year. The problem is my ex. We were involved with each other for about 4 years. The thing is we rushed into engagement after barely 5 months and started living together. After a few months of that, I realized I didn’t want to marry him, but I didn’t want to lose him either. I started emotionally cheating, which of course he found out about every time. Finally we separated in 2008, but continued having a sexual relationship. We lost contact after I jumped into another bad relationship. I allowed him back in my life early last year, and we’ve been back and forth as usual.

Last September, I began dating my child’s father. My ex pretty much lost it after finding out I was in a relationship, simply because he assumed that I was leading him on because of course we were in a sexual relationship AGAIN.

Again, we lost contact, but he jumped back into my life earlier this year. Long story short, I let him borrow some very valuable things in February and now he REFUSES to return them. What should I do? My boyfriend is unaware that I’ve been talking to him, and I just want to erase him from my life FINALLY. (And the only reason I’ve been constantly letting him back in is because of guilt from doing him so bad.) I’d hate to have to take the legal route to get my stuff back, but I’m at the end of my rope now. Please Help! Trying To Move On

“I Cooked For Him, We Had Sex & Weeks Afterward He Only Texted Me To Find Out The Recipe”

Dear Ms. Trying To Move On,

I love how you folks say you’re trying to move on and rid your exes out of your lives, but yet you keep letting them back in. You are a!

After reading your letter, I’m very clear that you are a serial cheater. Serial dater.  A manipulator and liar. And, dare I say it, but I think you’re addicted to drama, relationships, and the idea of being in love. You need some Jesus in your life.!

But, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one MF’ing minute! You and your boyfriend are expecting your first child together, but you were secretly sleeping with your ex. Uhm, boo boo, who the babby daddy? Girl, I can’t I can’t I can’t!!!! This is some Maury –ish right here. Let me know when your episode airs because I want to be glued to the television with my guacamole and chips, sipping on my Mojito.

But, let’s move on Miss Honey. I need for you to look at the trail of destructive relationships you’ve left behind. You and your ex dated for 4 years, got engaged after only 5 months of knowing each other (Where they do that at?), and then moved in together. You realized it wasn’t working, but didn’t want to lose him, so you started emotionally cheating with some other man or men, and like you said your ex found out each time (How many times were there?). You separate from him, but maintain a sexual relationship with him, and then jump into another bad relationship with some other man (poor guy) and lose contact with your ex. Then lo, and behold, you run into your ex a few years later and let him back into your life. However, you have a new boyfriend (SMDH! I can’t I can’t I can’t), and are expecting a child together. Oh, yeah, let me guess, you and your boyfriend live together. But, you continue sleeping with your ex-boyfriend (Notice the pattern), you don’t tell him you’re in a relationship (Liar/manipulator/deceiver), he learns that you are, and he says you’re leading him on when he finds out you’re in a relationship. You lose contact, once again. But, he somehow, and miraculously jumps back into your life earlier this year (Again, the pattern). YOU let him borrow some very valuable things and he refuses to return them. And, during all this your current boyfriend does not know you were sleeping with your ex, and that your ex is in your life (Liar/manipulator/deceiver).

Now, you want to write to me asking me how to erase your ex from your life and get your things back without your boyfriend discovering what’s been going on. Girl, you F’ing kidding me, right? You’re joking! I know you are. Do I look like CSI, or look like I work with  You got the wrong one, Miss Honey.

This is your drama, your mess, and you deserve everything that comes your way. You deserve everything coming to you. And, the reason you are experiencing all of this is because YOU created it. You started this chain of madness and now you want someone to help you clean it up. (PAUSE!) Girl, you better face and own up to your crazy ass life and leave me the hell alone. And, you do realize you’ve been cheating on your boyfriend. I just want to put that out there.

The unfortunate part is that you are unaware of your contribution and the part you play in all this. I bet you feel you are the victim and your ex is soooooo wrong for how he is doing you, and he won’t return your things. You’re the victim because you want your ex out of your life and nothing more to do with him, but he keeps reappearing and taking advantage of you, so you keep letting him back in your life because you feel guilty for how you did him over 7 years ago. Really? Really? Really!

It’s been 7 years and you still feel guilty, or do you still feel his schlong residuals inside you? Yeah, I said it. You’re addicted to the d**k. You’re addicted to him. You’re addicted to drama. If you don’t want any of this in your life, then let it go. Oh, yeah, you can’t because it’s emotional, spiritual, and mental. You need professional counseling to get to the root cause of your web of lies, manipulation, deception, addictions, and serial dating.

Look, Ms. Trying To Move On, you’re more concerned about the stuff you let your ex borrow. Your ass need to be trying to find out which one of them is the baby daddy. HELLO! And, if those items are that valuable (they better be some Louboutin’s, an Hermes Birkin Bag, a pair of Tiffany pearl earrings and a diamond tennis bracelet that your great grandmother left you) then it may take going the legal route to get them back if your ex won’t return them. And, girl, you better put up a fight to get those items back! And, yes, your current boyfriend will need to be told everything. But, if you’re trying to keep it all a secret because it’s your lacefront wig, a Coach bag, some DSW shoes, and a charm bracelet that you got from Macy’s, LMBAO, then count those valuables as a loss, keep your mouth and legs shut, and commit to your boyfriend. But I do still recommend that you get into counseling to help you emotionally and mentally because for some reason I get the STRONG feeling your ex will return again, you’ll let him back in your life, you’ll dump your current boyfriend, and you’ll find some other unsuspecting man to prey on. That’s just my observation. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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