Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been married to this guy for a little over 4 years. We have two kids- 5 & 3 years old. We own a home which I had to beg, curse and cry to get him to contribute 50% of the down payment. I figured that if he wanted to stay with me he would have to contribute to the house. I knew he had the money, but for some reason he always cries broke except when it comes to his family. I mean on the outside looking in a lot of people make comments like “your family is so cute”… “You guys have it all together,” but I’m hating life! Yes, they see me driving a new Lexus. But the only reason is that I put him out after I found out he was cheating on me while I was 7 months pregnant! Whenever he gets mad, it becomes his car, not mine!
Yes, they see the kids always dressed nice and well-behaved but that’s all me. All my husband (I cringe when I have to refer him as such) manages to do is keep the couch warm and the electronics turned on. So, he tries to be affectionate and kiss or rub on me but I’m so turned off. As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex. The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.
He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings. Like one minute he’s singing, making obnoxious jokes, all in my personal space and the next he’s mean-faced glued to the TV. He also has a bad temper and has said some real foul stuff to me and calls me names. We went to counseling once (after he jumped on me with our newborn in my arms) and was diagnosed with depression. I had kicked him out the house and was loving life- with just the kids. He kept begging me to come back and I agreed on the condition he continued with counseling. That never happened. Recently when I brought it up his response was something like “You don’t know me or my heart. How dare you try to tell me what I need to do?” Great!
So here I am living in a home with this man I can’t stand, raising two kids as a pseudo- single mom, hating life. I should also mention that I can’t talk to him the way I used to when we were dating. He uses all the bits of info from my past to throw back in my face when convenient. Not that I have loads of skeletons in my closet, but does he really need to bring up that I used to date older men? Or that one of my exes used to abuse me so why would I make a big deal when he jumped on me? Is this dude serious? I’ve told him that I want a divorce (I ended up agreeing after he said he wanted one our entire 1st yr of marriage) but now he’s fighting it. I think it’s not that he loves me so much but because he’s comfortable. He has a great life which involves him not doing much. I think I know what I want to do. But just want to get your take on it. – Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out
Dear Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out,
Welp! I hate to say it, but you got exactly what you wanted and then some. You were so blinded by your own desires that you ignored every sign, every heeded message, and the big blaring red signals going haywire over your head. You were so determined to be married, have this great family, and get what YOU wanted that you did it at the sake of your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being. WOW! You are a nut case in the true sense that you are so driven by insanity that you will do whatever it takes to get what you want.
Now, here you are writing in seeking advice because your selfish desires got you into this hotmess.com and now you want a wayout.net. I’m sorry, but it’s time to admit your responsibility and immature tactics in this situation. You manipulated this man into marrying you, then you begged, cursed, cried and demanded he put down 50% on a house that he probably didn’t want, and because you wanted to have kids you laid down with him and as you said, “As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex.” Hmmmm, after revisiting all of that doesn’t that make you sound very childish and immature? Doesn’t that sound like someone who is manipulative, conniving, deceiving, and selfish? Let me pull up a chair and get comfortable because this is about to get really good.
Then you go on to say, “The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.” Honey, you’re absolutely correct. You didn’t think. Chile, you folks with your ulterior motives and sneaky ass ways manipulating folks and situations always want to cry wolf when the –ish hits the fan. Well, sorry, boo boo, but I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You created and designed this life of “fake wonderful trying to impress others by satisfying your own needs but now your ass is showing.” Get the “F” outta here.
But, I’m not done, Ms. Honey. It appears that you have a history of dating abusive men. You said your husband throws up in your face that you dated an abusive man before, and then when he was abusive to you after he jumped on you with your newborn in your arms, that you have no right or cause to complain. Okay, I agree with you, WTF is he talking about? He’s trying to justify himself with that bull –ish? You should have slapped the mess out him, packed his bags and put his ass out of the house. No man can justify beating or abusing a woman in any manner.
But, you need to do some introspection and get to the root cause of why you feel the need to choose abusive men, and where does this pattern stem from. Your husband may have only jumped on you once, but trust and believe he will do it again. Sit your miserable ass over there complaining if you want to. His mentally unstable ass will go upside your head again and then what are you going to do? You’re just simple.
And, for the record, he is not only physically abusive, but he is also emotionally and mentally abusive. He’s been diagnosed as depressed. Uhm, sweetie, that is a mental disorder. And, he takes his anger and illness out on you, and I’m certain the kids feel the wrath of his mental illness as well. He is an abuser mentally, emotionally, and physically. Plain and simple – He needs to remain in therapy, and he needs to take his medication. What’s really sad about you is that you are in denial about his mental illness just as he is in denial. You wrote, “He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings.” So, when you went to counseling and he was diagnosed with depression, what part of that did you not understand? Chile, depression is a mental illness. It’s a disorder. But, you are so “F’ing” clueless living in this fantasy world you’ve created that you’ve allowed your disillusion to cloud your judgment.
And, I don’t understand why you are still in the marriage if it’s not what you want, or what he wants. What the hell am I thinking! Misery loves company. You’re two miserable people and would rather be miserable and unhappy together than happy and sane alone. SMDH! Girl, your relationship is toxic and unhealthy. The sad part is that you’re both in it for the wrong reasons and instead of being honest with one another, you’re both deceiving and manipulating one another, and lying to yourselves.
I’m curious as to what made you stay after you learned he cheated on you when you were 7 months pregnant? Oh, my bad, why am I asking that silly ass question. He bought you a Lexus. So, you got something out of the deal. I’m sure you manipulated that out of him. Do you realize that you not only justified his behavior, but you asked him to reward you with something material for something he did emotional and physical, and will leave a long lasting effect on you and the marriage. Now, does that make any sense to you?
Why am I talking with you? You clearly don’t see how you are a big contributing factor to all of this mess that YOU created. YOU had this fixation on this life of being married and having kids. YOU chose this man. Now, here you are miserable and unhappy and asking for an easy way out. Girl, get the freaking divorce. Stop stalling. You never really wanted to be with him in the first place. Hell, it could have been any man to give you what YOU wanted, and it just so happens that it was him. Girl, miss me and yourself. And, you need to get into some counseling yourself. You need to stop lying to yourself, manipulating others, and instead of making everyone else’s life miserable do them all a favor and just leave! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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