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1. Get it together

If you two were a hot mess together – then chances are you might have been a little bit of a hot mess on your own. If you’re knee deep in splitsville because you were overly jealous, had some type of super destructive and unhealthy habit (drugs, binge drinking, etc), or brought drama to the relationship, then rekindling the flame and repeating these same behaviors again will yield the same results. If you’re split because he was cheating, make sure you’re ready to forgive him and let go of the hurt before you enter into second chance zone. The bottom line: Get yourself together first before you try to get him back. It’s like the oxygen mask on the plane – secure your own oxygen mask first, before you try to help someone else.

2. Understand why you want to get back together?

Be honest with yourself about why you want to get back together. Is it because it’s been a few months and you haven’t found someone new? Is it because you’re afraid you won’t find someone else with XYZ criteria? Is it because it was familiar and comfortable and you fear the unknown? Make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons, lest you find yourself cycling through unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship and repeating the same behaviors with different partners.

3. Listen to each other’s complaints.

If you’ve examined your heart and decided you want to make amends, sit down and discuss the issues that triggered the break up. It may not be about who’s right or wrong; it may be about what you’re each willing to tolerate. If you can’t come to an agreement or get past this step, do you really want to go through this again? Remember that if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always had – you’ve got to try something new to get different results.

4. Make it happen.

Conversation about complaints and the reason you broke up is a great place to start. Changes can be as simple as finding one nice thing to say to each other every day, responding to messages in a more timely manner, showing up on time for dates, not flipping out when he’s got to stay at work late. It’s a team effort and everyone must do his or her part.

5. Dump the old relationship.

Avoid blaming and mudslinging past issues during current problem solving sessions. Don’t tell each other that you’re committed to a new relationship, show it by changing your behaviors. From this point forward, connect with each other by focusing on your strengths. Compliment each other. Make it a habit to be appreciative of little things your partner does, and focus on all his great qualities.  (VIBE)

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