‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the newsroom,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a broom.
And we all know how much a broom may have been needed,
So here we recount all the gifts that should be received…ded.
(Look, I tried to make it rhyme. Cut me some holiday slack.)
“POLITICIANS” (I use that term generously.)
In order of ubiquity..
Barack Obama: I’ll admit, I was tough on the guy. But considering the admirable amount he’s accomplished/achieved/undeservedly won in the year so far, Santa should bring him a nap. And, just ‘cuz I’m an ass, maybe a decent foreign policy too. Just sayin’…
Michelle Obama: She went from being a high-powered example of a “militant, angry Black woman,” to being Black Martha Stewart, with her vegetable gardens and hug-handouts all in one year. I’d like Santa to deliver Michelle some cute ballet flats and a list of all global issues affecting women. She can get crackin’ on that in 2010 since 2009 was mostly fluff.
Sarah Palin: Groan. Santa, all I want for Christmas is for her to actually go rogue. Like lose her mind and get lost in some Alaskan wilderness where, in a tragic turn of irony, she is consumed by the very wolves she hunts. Oh, but this is about what they should get. In that case, a couple brain cells should do the trick. Maybe a copy of Strunk & White.
Michael Steele: As my brilliant colleague pointed out, this guy will not shut his mouth. In the interest of brevity (ha), he should get THIS done to his face. Thanks, Big Guy!
Rush Limbaugh: Rush has been so so bad this year that he truly deserves nothing but a lump of coal. Actually, I take that back. He oughta get a cease & desist order sort of like the one he sent to bloggers everywhere. HA! (Inside joke. *chortle*)
Desiree Rogers: Her 2009 story was the biggest “much ado about nothing” tale of the year. But, for good measure, Santa, she needs a lesson on “making a list & checking it twice,” from a real expert. Hook her up.
ENTERTAINERS & ATHLETES
Tiger Woods: He’s only been in the headlines since Thanksgiving and the sheer magnitude of his tomfoolery has landed him at the top of every single “Best & Worst of 2009” list. St. Nick, Tiger might find it useful to have a sit down with Dr. Drew and maybe a few heavily spiked cups of egg nog. ‘Cuz dude’s about to have a crappy 2010.
Kanye West: West gets the “Biggest Idiot of ’09” award. But I’m a writer. And I need things to write about. Kanye provided a hell of a lot of material, lots of laughs, and he singlehandedly propelled Taylor Swift’s career into “real legitimacy,” so you know what? Give the guy another bottle of Hennessy!
Sports & Hollywood (& everyone else): From the deaths of Steve McNair to Chris Henry, to legendary coaches in all American sports, plus stars like Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze and, of course, MJ, this year was a grim one. So I’ll drop the snark here and just say: Santa, bring all these families, and families everywhere who struggled with losing loved ones and tough economic times, peace, positivity & prosperity in the coming year.
..Oh, and since I have your attention, I’m a size 8, my favorite color is green and I will gladly accept all gifts in the form of personal check or money order. Thanks!